80% of your knowledge of foreign languages will be curse words.

A lot of things people collect as children turn out to be valuable. Just nothing you collected.

It’s best to run in the morning. On the positive side, you get it over with for the day. On the negative, spiderwebs.

The key to popularity in first grade? Crazy straws.

In college, you never learn anyone’s last name.

At any given time, there are at least three series on your DVR that you will never get around to watching.

To the idiot who leaves the refrigerator door open go the spoils.

In-school suspension is a great way to study for AP exams.

Your entire college wardrobe will be provided by sororities and credit card applications.

Dogs are great training for having kids, but not so much for breastfeeding.

Poetry: good for romantic gestures, bad for bridesmaids’ toasts.

Until you are out of college, never wear shorts without the drawstrings tied tight. Someone — possibly someone you know and love — is just dying to pull them down.

There is no self loathing quite like realizing you like a song by a band you hate.

On an interstate with signs that say the area is patrolled by aircraft, feel free to speed. If the day comes that a plane pulls you over and gives you a ticket, it’s on me.

Never send nude photos. Only receive them.